一个结束与另一个开始

原本这一篇是用来发泄我在外科部门被欺负与不公平待遇的遭遇。

但就因为在这段日子里帮过我的两个人，决定改用这篇post来记住他们与今年的新年来得不易。那就是anis和dr siva。虽然与他们相识的日子不到一个月，但对于他们的帮忙与维护绝对是超越在外科部门四个月的一切(当然也没忘记与那群‘损友’一起的颓废日子）。

有时好希望自己的正义感能盖过一切、能矫正那些对自己与他人的不公平待遇。但到头来只能怪自己还算是个新人与自己多一事不如少一事的懦弱。

故事的详情当然不方便在这里透露，话说部落格已不再是个可以让人安心发泄内心不快的地方。我可不希望转个头来，我变成说是非的是非精、金手指。

希望随我在这个部门的离去，那些被欺负的日子也能随之告一段落。

死

死

对某些人来说，未免不是一件坏事

死了，总好过成为植物人，起码能为活着的人省了很多麻烦和担心

或许，你会觉得死者很自私，抛下家人朋友就这样走了

但，有些时候放手未免不是件坏事

强行把一个该走的人留下，或许将会是个悲剧

留下的，只是个外壳

到后来，得到的只是长时间的住在医院里..与引发许许多多的并发症

而到后来，辛苦的就是日日夜夜照顾他的家人

其实，有没有人问过他.. 这是他所要的吗？这是他所想见到的吗？

放手..可能对所有人来说.. 都是种解脱

…

如果救活我只换来当一辈子的植物人，那就请你放手。

call

post call today.

not a good call after all when have to oncall with ****. yeah right it’s a mo factor to decide whether that day jonah or not.

people always said periphery call very nice, can sleep a lot. but this is definitely wrong when the mo oncall is ****.

there’re

– toe gangrene + acute on chronic kidney disease + frank hematuria

– day 2 post op still having active bleeding in the ward, still in blood transfusion and patient requests to change ward

– post disarticulation still having active bleeding in ICU

– have to scrub in to another emergency OT for compartment syndrome secondary to snake bite

– referral from surgical (where the ppl on call the day before forgot to review the patient)

– other minor minor stuffs like post op review, insert brannula, blood taking, call blood bank, fill in GXM form…

– and the most irritated thing is during the emergency op and have to check the blood for blood transfusion intra-op, the ppk who sent the blood lost the carbon copy of the GXM form. what the hell??

frankly speaking, it’s so tiring to run between wards, ICU and OT.. ZZzzzzz

and yet it feel so warm sometimes when the nurses help to tapao dinner (having dinner at 2.30am), get the spoon and container for drinks from pantry, prepared the spoon and food on the counter table and washed the spoon for me. :p

at last, the worst worst worst thing is i have to oncall with **** again next week.

new life or HELL

is it a new beginning?

is it a new journey?

is it a new life?

or it is just another new journey which leads to hell?

 

may be am the only one who is so innocent, who thought that when you help people, people will help you back when you are in trouble. but in this real world, people will safe their own ass first. so, rule number 1, protect yourself first. it’t not the thing i want. it’s not that i am selfish, am just cannot take it being hurt again.

rule number 2, protect yourself first. protect myself? how? is that really that easy? is that really that easy to protect yourself, when facing the pressure from your small boss to protect and cover her up when she did something wrong? is that really tat easy to help her telling lie in front of so many big bosses?? and i did. i did all of them. i did unethical things! i did unethical things to cover my small boss’s mistake!

probably you will think that it’s only small matter. but i just can’t take it. i can’t accept the fact that i did something unethical. i probably did harm the patient indirectly.

God, i just wanted to help the patients. and do no harm.

please somebody teach me how to get out from this? at least teach me how to get out from this sense of guilt.

 

 

 

medical mystery

someone told me that i am medical mystery. somehow, i have to agree on that. i also can’t figure out why there are so many things happen on me (trust me, you won’t wanna spend time to know my problem list, and its gonna be a long case which you can’t finish it within 45 minutes) and i can’t relate them into one etiology. may be too much of sin? probably yes..

and it never ends there and more to be coming out, like the unexplained dizziness since a week ago, tot it was

refractive error? but seems not corrected with specs.

anemia? i don’t look pale. but still probably will go to do a full blood count since it’s FREEEEE :p.

something wrong with cerebellar? but i don’t have cerebellar signs.

ear? takde vertigo la and no hearing problem.

damn the dizziness, damn the hypoxic feeling, damn the nausea.. argghh..worse if plus the motion sickness when get a lousy bus driver (have to go kk) and yet still i like to cari pasal, prefer to read the softcopy than hardcopy of cpg and books. just imagine.. the dizziness attacks everytime scroll down the page.

on the other HAND, dunno what the heck is going on with the ulnar nerve. have to splint the elbow to keep it from bending while sleeping, or else will be awake by the numbness and tingling sensation. damnit.

so what’s now? thoracic outlet syndrome? with cervical vertigo? cubital tunnel syndrome? who cares? ya.. who really care… conservative management saje mah. i can manage myself la.. :p

and it’s actually quite hard to keep things from parents. but still have to keep it from them (so can’t teach my mother about facebook :p)

so many things happened recently. housemate kena buang kolej, and another 3 of us have to pay rm70 each and it’s not really our fault. trying to help.. but someone told me biarkan je la, i cant do much, i shouldn’t get myself involved that much and that’s not the proper way to help.. what else can i do? sigh… just let it be?

tonnes and tonnes of things to be done.. but still no mood for that. no mood for my 2nd underground project, no mood for shopping (for baju raya) and worst, no mood for chinese new year. it starts to appear to be ‘just another day’ of my life, nothing to be so special about.. which is a bad sign..i suppose.

bad sign..

OnG

after being silent for so long, finally decided to blog something at the very last day of my OnG posting.

i think i am going to miss OnG, my supervisor, green ward and the juniors very much, very very much.

argh, thought block again. dunno what to continue from there.  lots of things in my mind, wanted to blog, but they remain unorganized, messy, patchy here and there… then you probably can start analyse the psychopathology in between and will find this post will be full of loosening of association, circumstantiality and may be tangentiality.. without the chief complain but only full of lengthy HOPI.

am tired, really tired. may be too much of lactic acid accumulation due to the stupid spasm right leg? or may be it’s just an excuse to blame on it. but it just getting worse. and all this while, of all the things i experienced, the best way to train someone to be compliant is when he/she can’t live without the pills, where one will immediately suffer from the symptoms once he/she miss pills. oh yes, am definitely a junkie and at the same time the worst patient. pain is better than risk of getting chronic kidney disease kan. trying to take off the celecoxib, lets see how long i manage to survive. it’s time to rest the kidneys after working so hard in OnG, rest for few weeks before it has to start working again in emergency medicine posting. but still have stick to baclofen daily.

talked to a gynae-onco patient in the ward few days ago who suffer from pain as well. she asked me, do i understand how she felt. do i know howz the pain felt like. probably the characteristic, nature and severity of the pain are different from mine, but for sure i know how is the life with pain. trying to be tough but how tough can i be? trying not to tell or complain bout the pain but sometimes the action tells, esp when walking with limping gait. trying not to tell my parents bout the pain but someone told me that i need the prayers from them. trying to walk as much as i can but how long still i able to walk? don’t care la, am still going on a shooting trip to cameron highlands this saturday. who knows what will happen tomorrow, so just continue to walk until you cant walk la, so that you wont regret in the future.

sigh.. still… cant get rid of that thought in my mind, still worried about the result of end of posting examination. felt myself doing badly in the exams, never felt that bad before. yadayadayadayada.. no need to waste your time to comfort me.. i know what are you going to say, i am telling myself the same things too (oh shit, am talking to myself), but things are just easy to tell but hard to practise. wish me luck la..

listening to Hans Zimmer recently, ‘the dark knight’ and ‘inception’ OST. very nice OST but give the sense of heaviness in between.. lets try sleeping with listening to Inception OST and see how many levels of dream i manage to go thru.. lol..

chao.

 

retrospective entry: i passed the end of posting exams. :p yeah yeah.. though kantoi in oba but luckily score in emi, so overall theory passed, osce passed, counseling passed.

home

sigh.. after so long, i thought i already immune to this kind of life, leaving home, staying in the hostel, traveling south and north… but this time, just don’t feel like going back to teluk intan after coming back home. just tired of everything.. tired of standing, tired of walking, tired with the pain, tired of taking pain killer everyday for the past 1 week, tired with the pain killer which showed no effect at all, tired of playing with the kids, tired of showing the enthusiasm even already not in the mood, tired of thinking what to eat for every meal, tired of being ‘don’t worry, be happy’, am not that happy after all and am worrying… but it is no way i can escape from this by staying at home. i know.. i really know… arghh..

counting down the days.. do i still in denial? i don’t have so much time left actually, and i actually had started to forget the things/knowledge which i thought i still remember, while at the same time, new things doesn’t seem like absorb so well.

damn, what the f*ck i still doing here.. waiting for the Gunner to shoot at me on next monday?

chao

no fear

trying to remind myself.

no fear.

this guy wont’t hurt me again and again.

easy to say but hard to apply. haiz.

OSIM syndrome? monday blue? i think it’s gonna be 2 weeks blue.

before going to teluk intan, can’t wait to go there (so that can temporarily escape from here/him).

when in teluk intan, can’t wait to come back KL. (i would be die of the life without internet and staying together with the tukang sedut).

and now when back in KL, i feel like going back to teluk intan again. T.T

keep telling myself, i can’t hide and escape forever from him.

but… sigh..

yeah.. i know i work best under stress, no action no life, huh. but definitely not over-stress.

another good thing when i under stress is, there will also be flight of idea in photography.

this is what i did in the middle of the night: (writing the words with pen torch and photograph it)

yeah.. am going crazy soon..

burnout

seriously, i think am almost burnout. sounds crazy huh? burnout at the second week of final year?? still got long long way to go man.. come on.

thank you so much for making me feel so stupid in the field which i think am good at. and yet i still can’t find the answer you want, making me feel even stupider.  seriously my brain already stuck and tired of analyse and classify the things in your way, can you just please simply give me the answer. ok, i knw. no more spoon feeding. but i don’t have much time to let myself keep on getting stuck at the same place, same problem, and same question, i need to move on. well, may be i am just the only stupid people who face this kind of problem.

7 back to back teachings in 16 hours. on call on friday night. ya, i know i have learnt a lot. but.. i just need a break. i need to go out. but the tiredness just make me feel don’t wanna move my butt even 1mm from the bed, and the piles of homework really spoil the mood. (ok, i rephrase, it is not compulsory to do the homework).

sometimes, i just don’t understand why there are some people who always seem so energetic and need no rest. are they iron man? duh. ya.. at least they don’t need mobic or arcoxia to function. damn.

arrghh… am desperately need to go somewhere else which has good music and good object/subject for photo shooting. but…

hiking

went hiking just now. the initial plan was to meet my friend, take some photos and estimate how much can i hike before the leg pain attacks.

and now i can announce that ‘I CAN’T HIKE ANYMORE’. but still i would like to try as much as i could.

partly is due to the leg.

partly i think is due to the anemia get worse?

may be i really have to thank god that i didn’t fall into the valley just now when the dizziness suddenly attacked and all the limbs get numb, can’t even hold my cam. the last attack was like around 7 years back and i really tot am ok d.

and i really scare my friend. having no idea what to do, he suddenly think of am a medical student and i should be able to tell him what to do to safe myself. haha. luckily, it’s just last for around 15-30mins. or else i think he had to carry me down the hill and probably both of us will end up rolling down the hill. lol.

found this little thingy before my visual field fulled with black dotssss…