想不到一搁下就是一年半。更想不到一年半后的今天会是那么的沉重。最近朋友问了我这么一个问题 “if you were dying today, what would your last words be?”

一年前,在daycare和以前一位癌症的病人聊起,当我们告诉他这个坏消息的时候,他当下的心情。当时他显得很坦然。到他临去世的那刻,也没问他这个问题。或许这是一个没有人想面对的问题,包括我自己。

想了很多天。。又有谁可以预测他或她什么时候会死、怎么样死?或许下一秒就这样的走了,什么话都来不及说。就算有足够的时间让你见完你想见的人,说完你想说的话,你所说的话又还有什么意义?人都走了,说再多也只是让自己可以走得安心点没有遗憾,还是让留在世上的人释怀?但如果想说的话可以让自己走得没有遗憾,可是会为在世的人带来困扰,那还说不说?既然都要死了,干嘛就不一走了之?

或许有人会说要珍惜每一天,活在当下,想说什么就说什么,就不会有遗憾。曾几何时我也是那么想。当人长大了、年级长了、顾虑多了就不能再像以前那样了。有些话不能说,或许到死那刻也不能说。说开了,一切都不能再像以前那样了。

或许一个人怎么来,就该怎么走。

或许死人会过得比活死人来得好。

那,还有什么好说的?

累了

吃着半生熟蛋,那粘粘的感觉好像哭了一个早晨的鼻涕,哈哈。
跟自己说,哭不代表懦弱,哭完日子还是需要过。

不想自己一个人,只想身边有个人陪着,就算是静静的。
不想自己一个人,脑子总爱想些有的没的。
不想回家,不想面对家里的人。

告诉自己哭完就算了,不可以再哭。
可是泪水就是不听话。
可能是撑了太久了吧。

忽然间,觉得人的身体是多么的神奇,可以制造无限的可能。
或许应该说神是多么的神奇,可以让我有这么多的惊喜,这次真的是有惊无喜。
它总是爱一步一步,像拨洋葱那样的揭穿我身体的奥妙和丑恶。
对不起,我是个完美主义者。
你让我接受这些事实而且要让我和它们并存,没问题!可是也别他妈的欺人太甚。
我实在是受不了那慢慢的折磨,可不可以干脆些一次过告诉我,我到底还有哪里有问题,我还要痛多久,还能活多久。

很讽刺
能医不自医
自己揭穿自己到底还患有什么病的感觉很奇妙
然后就自己享受着那痛的感觉
自己去体验下那痛到底从哪发起
自己尝试下不同止痛药的疗效
可是却找不到有些痛的真正源头
对,我是医生。
那又怎么样?我不是神。
可能人都会认为医生的接受能力会比较强
医生会比其他病人来的有优势,起码我们懂得比其他人多
那又怎么样?
有些东西治得了,有些治不了
当你知道那些治不了的东西,只能看着它慢慢的变大,等着那一天的到来,那你又能怎样?
死不了,大不了不能走

然后有人说 ‘让我帮你’
其实我很想说 ‘你能帮我承受那些痛吗?’
然后或许有人会在背后说这人神经病
又或许有人会说这人乘机装病来避开工作

对病人所说的激励的话,自己有哪些不懂,有哪些不会
跟自己说回一样的话,可笑!
有时真羡慕那些躺在病床上的病人
起码病了,他们可以躺着。
我?拖着脚步还能走多久..

活在当下
把每天都当成是自己活在世上的最后一天,不要有遗憾
说得那么潇洒
曾几何时我觉得自己办到了
可是到头来,我确实还是很眷恋这世界
还是有很多东西还没做

有人说过一句话’别人没有义务来迁就我们’
对,或许不应该再逗留在这个不属于我的地方来连累别人,增加别人的负担
每天都活在痛与on call之间,意义何在
然后对自己说,没关系还撑得住

很累
真的很累
这回真的是撑不了了

Housemanship

I think it’s time to conclude my 2 years of housemanship. Finally it comes to the end, what a relieve..

at the end of the day, I do not know what to say. Too many things happened in too short period, have no time to take a breath and stay at that moment. 人来人往,没有人会永远留在你身。而又有多少人逃得出死神的魔掌和命运的安排?而他们的离世,其实是上天的安排还是是我们疏忽?又有多少人懂其实我们不是判官?我们不应该带有色眼镜去看待某一些病人.

挨骂是必经之路,做错被骂是应该,就当教训和警惕。面对无理取闹的职责脸皮要够厚,要沉得住气,谁叫我们是最低层。而且要学会帮老板吃死猫,无论你是愿意与否。医院里的政治不比外面来的少。而且人是很现实的动物,当你对某些人有利用价值是,哪怕你是最低层,你都会被当成宝,然后对你低声下气。

然后你会发现能者多劳,懒者在摇,智者在老板后面飘.. 世界就是那么的不公平,在飘的物体就是那么难抓… 然后你会发现有些人的婆婆是可以复活的,死了又死,可以死很多次。他们可以没良心的诅咒自己的亲人去世,甚至诅咒自己跌楼梯。

两年,好坏各一半。被骂过,被欺负过,也被疼过,称赞过。日子算过得去。最幸福的是老妈子时不时送住家饭来、能遇到一群能共同进退、出生入死的朋友(好像苗素得有点太严重,:p)、遇到我人生第二位师傅(虽然不能叫出口)、大伯公、kah jie、连名带姓叫我的朋友(不要误会,本人对连名带姓的叫法特别有亲切感)…

其实,跟病人说你有病可以是件很简单的事,与别人对自己说你有病感觉是多么的不同。身为医生,接受能力或许比其他人强,也不懂自己是在denial state,还是懒得去想,因为结果还是一样..事情往往充满着太多的未知数.. 想了又怎么样,有些事情就是找不到原因。而且跟家人坦白有时不会是件好事,往往会引起一度恐慌(领教过一次就够了)…

最后,要提醒自己的两句话:

活在当下!

读书!!!

image

无题

说过了,这段日子应该减少写部落格

因为它总是勾起杂乱无章的思绪

但还是又回到了这地方

思绪还是一样的乱

该解决的问题还是一样被搁置在一旁,不想去想、不想去理会

总会傻傻的以为放下了就不再算是个问题。对,已经不再是个问题。

应该好好享受此时此刻、戴着耳机听着音乐的时刻。哪知明天一觉醒来还有没有机会做着一样的事情、呼吸着一样的空气..

但问题终究是问题,搁置不了一辈子

放下和顺其自然是很悲剧的做法

人往往在没有其他方法下才会被逼踏上这条路,或许是已经无力在同样的问题纠缠下去..

人每天都遇着不同的问题、大问题、小问题

一个问题塔着另一个问题,总希望把最不想烦的问题垫在最底边,以为这样它就会慢慢地消失、慢慢地被遗忘

但也因人而异,有些人喜欢把所有问题都摊在桌面

叠在一起或摊在桌面,问题终究存在

多希望一个疗程的polymyxin、doripenem 或 vancomycin 就可以解决所有问题

但这世界上就是有太多难搞的MRO.. 唉..

颓废

说真的,实在是越来越颓废、越来越懒。
之前超忙超累的时候,就跟自己说:没关系迟些就有空可以摇脚、可以好好读书、可以好好准备考试了
现在?已经摇脚摇了两个月了,结果还在继续摇。。
每天都答应自己说要好好读书,但每天就读三五页就睡了。
打开书,那些想当年熟悉的字眼与记忆。。唉。。都已经是想当年了。
越读越觉得自己越笨
就算试考到了又怎样?
一张纸还是熬不出好汤
火候不够、还不是时候

是真的累了?
像是懒多一点。
一直告诉自己不需要拿自己与别人比较
但在现在的现实社会里都是适者生存、弱者淘汰
可不可以就一直的活在自己的世界里?
只读我喜欢的东西?
只做我喜欢做的事?
可是就是存在着太多我没兴趣懂,可是却必须知道的东西。
算了,又再为自己找借口了。
就是懒。

好想去旅行
好想去拍照
好想去购物
好想去吃个够
好想找个地方、好好的躺着、什么都不做,让自己慢慢的被空虚感给侵蚀掉
(卢佳慧,醒了!半年前刚去旅行,现在又想去)
就算是近近的short trip 也好
但是大家的时间就是那么难配合
虽然说是已经习惯一个人生活
但一个人去旅行终究有点没趣
没趣啊 没趣

好啦,又是时候见周公了
又是只读了三页书的一天

20121130-222457.jpg

勇气

或许在很多人眼里,以前的我就是那么的不怕死

但实际上,是吗?

还是其实是妇产科把我给搞得越来越婆婆妈妈、优柔寡断、越来越怕死

还是从以前到现在的我都是一样没有勇气去面对着一些问题

没有勇气去正视一些问题

有些话说白了,东西和事物就没办法像从前那样、关系也没办法像从前那样

当然,变好还是变坏还是未知之数

但起码现在都过得好好的,没有必要去把它搞砸

当人长大了,习惯了现状,也就慢慢地安于现状

没有勇气去面对改变、接受改变

也没有勇气拿起,

更何况说是放下

最后,想跟自己说声对不起..请原谅我的懦弱..因为我还是选择了把那问题收在心里。

习惯

习惯了每天早上去上班时电梯按四楼,而不是二楼

习惯了每次出电梯是转左,而不是转右

习惯了每次就推门踏进病房,而不是需要打卡

习惯了每天一进病房就把白袍脱下然后用手写病历,而不是推着电脑一张张床去.. (犯贱的很想念那热热的病房)

习惯几乎每天都听着ventilator的声音,而不是CTG的声音

习惯手上握着和看着的是心跳图,而不是CTG

更习惯的是,

几乎每天和你吃晚餐的时候

几乎每次一起做完晚班一起去吃点心的时候

几乎每次出去都是我做司机的时候

几乎每天都跟你诉苦和发泄的时候

还有,

每次你说要减肥然后被我拉出去吃东西的时候

一起逛CD店的时候

一起听歌,聊歌的时候

… … (alor setar果然够闷, 跟你lepak在一起的时候,不是在骂人,就是在吃东西) -_-lll 悲哀

 

忽然间,很不习惯以后很多时候都要自己一个人吃东西还有对着墙壁诉苦的时候…

4C

nah.. the 4C here does not mean cash, car, condominium and credit card.

it’s a place, a ward where most of my experience, skills and memories made.. grateful enough to be given the chance and opportunity to stay in 4c for 2 months to work with dr lee lee, dr raj and karti. karti – my best ever partner since in ortho, being apart for the second posting till we meet again in medical.🙂

before entering 4c (the so called acute male and ID ward), have been hearing lots of story regarding the ward, how chaotic, how busy it is, how difficult to set a line for the ID patients.. and it did scare me seriously.

after 2 months in 4c, i think i can proudly say that ‘i survive 4c, both the most luxuries and most difficult period with only 2 Ho covering the ward with EOD double shifts’. if given chance to turn back the clock, i think i will choose to spend the 3 and a half months in 4c with 2 weeks in cardio. it is worth to have the bad backache and bruises all over the shin n knee during the time in 4c.. thank you for all the trust given to me..

being the chronic ID Ho for 2 months, it did change my perceptions towards the RV patient.. from stigmatize them to desensitize till wanted to help them as much as possible. can’t deny that some of them memang sendiri cari pasal 1, but some of them are actually the victim of it..

i think i have to accept the fact that am a workaholic, obsessive and love to do procedures very much. i think the people who know me will know that my sepet eyes will *shine* when there’re procedures to do, lumbar puncture, long line, short line, triple lumen, IJC, femoral catheter, BMAT, peritoneal dialysis, pleural tapping, peritoneal tapping, defib… ops.. haven’t had chance to insert chest tube yet.

i will not forget the fun and joke we had together
– the symbiosis of staph aureus
– the dump dump
– the dinner, the cow..
– the real dua pek gong and the dua pek gong in the tokong
– the lace panties
– the dengue in hyperthyroid phase.. LOL
– many many more..

seldom feeling so reluctant to leave a ward, a posting that much.. i think i found the light (but am so lazy to study.. Zzzzzz..). thank all of you for all the inspiration, teaching, guidance and training given..to make me a better person and doctor.

the only thing i won’t miss.. is the poh peh sis*** who threw our CSF away without our permission. :p

life and death

as a 3rd poster of the housemanship, may be am not qualified enough to talk about this topic here. and you may feel that am over  exaggerate the things here. you may think that i lost of PPD skills.. and yes i can tell you that am losing my patience towards certain people who definitely not my patients. and i am just trained to be a doctor, not a writer nor reporter, i won’t just tell you the sweet things you wanna hear here.

dear people out there, you are putting the patients life in danger,

– if you are the parents who think that being a doctor is such a glamour job, and force or mislead your kids who don’t have interest at all to be a doctor

– if you yourself as a doctor who has no sense of responsibility at all, cannot handle stress

– if you choose to become a doctor just because you have good results and dunno whats your interest (seriously i don’t mind if you quit after you found your interest)

keep on building up and opening medical courses and institution, mass production of the doctors (either local or oversea).. yeah.. you have quantity and doctor to patient ratio which ‘looks’ good, but how about the quality? are they properly trained? frankly speaking, the quality is just getting worse and worse when compared to our medical officers and specialists’ time. and imagine, when those not welly trained people finally become the medical officer who is going to treat your kids or even yourself in the future.. well, you may think that those people won’t be able to pass their housemanship and become the medical officer if they are not qualified. but in reality, there are people who are just hopeless enough until the department don’t wanna extend he/she more in that specific department.

did the people ever feel guilty when their colleague who also have been working since morning and have to stay back to finish the pleural tapping for them till late night and wanna teach them the pleural tapping while they’re still tagging but on the other hand they said they’re tired and wanna go back first?

did the people ever feel bad when passed over the branulla for a dengue patient by just putting the branulla together with the sticker and swab in the kidney dish on that particular patient’s table by just telling their colleague, later have to repeat the FBC at 6pm?

did the people ever feel irresponsible when carry forward the important stuffs like CT appt, chest referral, x-ray reporting… till the next day to their colleagues?

did the people ever feel that it’s a sin when they didn’t review the blood investigation taken and partly cause the death of a young patient? and of course, you can blame it’s the disease progression.. the patient is going to die soon anyway.

at the end, whose fault is that? the doctor themselve? the shift system? the politics? the medical school? the parents?

on call 36 小时

最近很多人都在疯部港剧..

没错,就连我自己都在看。

虽然说很多场面的确很夸张..

虽然说我们现实医生的生活比剧中来的惨和苦..

虽然还不至于病到像她那么严重..

但很多时候难免同感身受..

从三年前的mobic, arcoxia, celecoxib 吃到现在的tramal..

sigh…

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