Category Archives: deep in d Heart
I think it’s time to conclude my 2 years of housemanship. Finally it comes to the end, what a relieve..
at the end of the day, I do not know what to say. Too many things happened in too short period, have no time to take a breath and stay at that moment. 人来人往，没有人会永远留在你身。而又有多少人逃得出死神的魔掌和命运的安排？而他们的离世，其实是上天的安排还是是我们疏忽？又有多少人懂其实我们不是判官？我们不应该带有色眼镜去看待某一些病人.
然后你会发现能者多劳，懒者在摇，智者在老板后面飘.. 世界就是那么的不公平，在飘的物体就是那么难抓… 然后你会发现有些人的婆婆是可以复活的，死了又死，可以死很多次。他们可以没良心的诅咒自己的亲人去世，甚至诅咒自己跌楼梯。
其实，跟病人说你有病可以是件很简单的事，与别人对自己说你有病感觉是多么的不同。身为医生，接受能力或许比其他人强，也不懂自己是在denial state，还是懒得去想，因为结果还是一样..事情往往充满着太多的未知数.. 想了又怎么样，有些事情就是找不到原因。而且跟家人坦白有时不会是件好事，往往会引起一度恐慌（领教过一次就够了）…
就算是近近的short trip 也好
… … (alor setar果然够闷, 跟你lepak在一起的时候，不是在骂人，就是在吃东西) -_-lll 悲哀
nah.. the 4C here does not mean cash, car, condominium and credit card.
it’s a place, a ward where most of my experience, skills and memories made.. grateful enough to be given the chance and opportunity to stay in 4c for 2 months to work with dr lee lee, dr raj and karti. karti – my best ever partner since in ortho, being apart for the second posting till we meet again in medical. 🙂
before entering 4c (the so called acute male and ID ward), have been hearing lots of story regarding the ward, how chaotic, how busy it is, how difficult to set a line for the ID patients.. and it did scare me seriously.
after 2 months in 4c, i think i can proudly say that ‘i survive 4c, both the most luxuries and most difficult period with only 2 Ho covering the ward with EOD double shifts’. if given chance to turn back the clock, i think i will choose to spend the 3 and a half months in 4c with 2 weeks in cardio. it is worth to have the bad backache and bruises all over the shin n knee during the time in 4c.. thank you for all the trust given to me..
being the chronic ID Ho for 2 months, it did change my perceptions towards the RV patient.. from stigmatize them to desensitize till wanted to help them as much as possible. can’t deny that some of them memang sendiri cari pasal 1, but some of them are actually the victim of it..
i think i have to accept the fact that am a workaholic, obsessive and love to do procedures very much. i think the people who know me will know that my sepet eyes will *shine* when there’re procedures to do, lumbar puncture, long line, short line, triple lumen, IJC, femoral catheter, BMAT, peritoneal dialysis, pleural tapping, peritoneal tapping, defib… ops.. haven’t had chance to insert chest tube yet.
i will not forget the fun and joke we had together
– the symbiosis of staph aureus
– the dump dump
– the dinner, the cow..
– the real dua pek gong and the dua pek gong in the tokong
– the lace panties
– the dengue in hyperthyroid phase.. LOL
– many many more..
seldom feeling so reluctant to leave a ward, a posting that much.. i think i found the light (but am so lazy to study.. Zzzzzz..). thank all of you for all the inspiration, teaching, guidance and training given..to make me a better person and doctor.
the only thing i won’t miss.. is the poh peh sis*** who threw our CSF away without our permission. :p
as a 3rd poster of the housemanship, may be am not qualified enough to talk about this topic here. and you may feel that am over exaggerate the things here. you may think that i lost of PPD skills.. and yes i can tell you that am losing my patience towards certain people who definitely not my patients. and i am just trained to be a doctor, not a writer nor reporter, i won’t just tell you the sweet things you wanna hear here.
dear people out there, you are putting the patients life in danger,
– if you are the parents who think that being a doctor is such a glamour job, and force or mislead your kids who don’t have interest at all to be a doctor
– if you yourself as a doctor who has no sense of responsibility at all, cannot handle stress
– if you choose to become a doctor just because you have good results and dunno whats your interest (seriously i don’t mind if you quit after you found your interest)
keep on building up and opening medical courses and institution, mass production of the doctors (either local or oversea).. yeah.. you have quantity and doctor to patient ratio which ‘looks’ good, but how about the quality? are they properly trained? frankly speaking, the quality is just getting worse and worse when compared to our medical officers and specialists’ time. and imagine, when those not welly trained people finally become the medical officer who is going to treat your kids or even yourself in the future.. well, you may think that those people won’t be able to pass their housemanship and become the medical officer if they are not qualified. but in reality, there are people who are just hopeless enough until the department don’t wanna extend he/she more in that specific department.
did the people ever feel guilty when their colleague who also have been working since morning and have to stay back to finish the pleural tapping for them till late night and wanna teach them the pleural tapping while they’re still tagging but on the other hand they said they’re tired and wanna go back first?
did the people ever feel bad when passed over the branulla for a dengue patient by just putting the branulla together with the sticker and swab in the kidney dish on that particular patient’s table by just telling their colleague, later have to repeat the FBC at 6pm?
did the people ever feel irresponsible when carry forward the important stuffs like CT appt, chest referral, x-ray reporting… till the next day to their colleagues?
did the people ever feel that it’s a sin when they didn’t review the blood investigation taken and partly cause the death of a young patient? and of course, you can blame it’s the disease progression.. the patient is going to die soon anyway.
at the end, whose fault is that? the doctor themselve? the shift system? the politics? the medical school? the parents?
yeah.. sense of belonging..
have been searching for it since ages ago..
once i thought i found it..
but i think i have lost it again..
lost it somewhere in the unreachable deep sea..
following the heart..
but the heart stop calling..
the sense of responsibility is the main oil running this exhausted machine nowadays..
and the OCD and paranoid are the screws which prevent this machine goes wrong..
where the programmer of this machine has gone?
where the mechanic of this machine has been?
and where is the light?
after 5 years of medical school, here it comes, the long waited moment.. the convo..
mixed feeling. thought will be very excited but things always didn’t turn out smoothly when continuously received the calls and messages from the buddies saying that having assessments and presentation on friday, the hari kemesraan in ktsn. And a bit down when received call from prof last minute saying that he couldn’t make it as well. I think all of us would like to share the day with him. but yet it’s so touch when saw my buddies, Zhi Yi n Jing fen rushed here, even at last minute. will upload the photos later after i got it from kim kiat. and sorry guys, have to sacrifice u all to become the background of the pictures. haha..
right.. the first sentence came out from valerie’s mouth when she saw me today was ‘huh?! rupa-rupanye you are so short’. hello?? am still 2 cm taller than you leh.. :p
ok. this current owner of c2201 who i always called adik, has actually quite a lot of similarity with me. an mirror image of me? lol. appear to be a bit senget but actually is straight. hahaha.. don’t worry. am straight.
another long waited moment, taking photo with you, Prof Shahrir, in robe. it’s so nice to have you with us for the convo. our convo is meant to be yours as well. thank you so much for all the efforts, sweats, hard work, dedication, guidance and care. a lecturer, a teacher, a physician, a father, a friend and a listener who i always kacau and his clinic always turns out to be my clinic warga for pain killers. :p really very sorry for that. sometimes i find myself quite disturbing as well. guess won’t have time to kacau you anymore..
anyway, today standing in DECTAR, walking up the stage, received the scroll from the chancellor…surprisingly.. i felt nothing. the most memorable moment for me was, when i bow to my parents and prof shahrir before the end of the session… because of them, then only i can stand on the stage with my robe, receiving the scroll.
thanks for the bears and flowers..
but now, after i grad, looking back at this letter which was return to us during convo.. it was like a reminder to me…esp when am tired enough to continue this journey..
i will try my best to keep my promise.