一个结束与另一个开始

原本这一篇是用来发泄我在外科部门被欺负与不公平待遇的遭遇。

但就因为在这段日子里帮过我的两个人,决定改用这篇post来记住他们与今年的新年来得不易。那就是anis和dr siva。虽然与他们相识的日子不到一个月,但对于他们的帮忙与维护绝对是超越在外科部门四个月的一切(当然也没忘记与那群‘损友’一起的颓废日子)。

有时好希望自己的正义感能盖过一切、能矫正那些对自己与他人的不公平待遇。但到头来只能怪自己还算是个新人与自己多一事不如少一事的懦弱。

故事的详情当然不方便在这里透露,话说部落格已不再是个可以让人安心发泄内心不快的地方。我可不希望转个头来,我变成说是非的是非精、金手指。

希望随我在这个部门的离去,那些被欺负的日子也能随之告一段落。

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sense of belonging

yeah.. sense of belonging..

have been searching for it since ages ago..

once i thought i found it..

but i think i have lost it again..

lost it somewhere in the unreachable deep sea..

following the heart..

but the heart stop calling..

the sense of responsibility is the main oil running this exhausted machine nowadays..

and the OCD and paranoid are the screws which prevent this machine goes wrong..

where the programmer of this machine has gone?

where the mechanic of this machine has been?

and where is the light?

sigma 50mm

tried on sigma 50mm f1.4 for the first time during my uncle’s wedding. it’s so cool…

but it’s not mine.

get myself a new lens soon? nah… it will end up karat somewhere in my bag… how pathetic is my life.

sometimes, feel that my life is just like 50mm f1.4 lens.

sigh.. people will never understand.

korean?

do i really look like korean very much?

SN (1): doctor, you macam korean la.

SN (2): doctor korea..

NS: *keep on staring at me* doctor, you look like korean la. mixed ka?

hahahahaha..

i think i look like japanese too..

 

 

 

对某些人来说,未免不是一件坏事

死了,总好过成为植物人,起码能为活着的人省了很多麻烦和担心

或许,你会觉得死者很自私,抛下家人朋友就这样走了

但,有些时候放手未免不是件坏事

强行把一个该走的人留下,或许将会是个悲剧

留下的,只是个外壳

到后来,得到的只是长时间的住在医院里..与引发许许多多的并发症

而到后来,辛苦的就是日日夜夜照顾他的家人

其实,有没有人问过他.. 这是他所要的吗?这是他所想见到的吗?

放手..可能对所有人来说.. 都是种解脱

如果救活我只换来当一辈子的植物人,那就请你放手。

有时,真的很难弄得清楚…

其实.. 痛的是

背?

脚?

关节?

肌肉?

神经线?

还是.. 在最深处.. 其实是心在痛..

convocation 2011

after 5 years of medical school, here it comes, the long waited moment.. the convo..

mixed feeling. thought will be very excited but things always didn’t turn out smoothly when continuously received the calls and messages from the buddies saying that having assessments and presentation on friday, the hari kemesraan in ktsn. And a bit down when received call from prof last minute saying that he couldn’t make it as well. I think all of us would like to share the day with him. but yet it’s so touch when saw my buddies, Zhi Yi n Jing fen rushed here, even at last minute. will upload the photos later after i got it from kim kiat. and sorry guys, have to sacrifice u all to become the background of the pictures. haha..

 (the previous and current owner of  c2201 :p)

right.. the first sentence came out from valerie’s mouth when she saw me today was ‘huh?! rupa-rupanye you are so short’. hello?? am still 2 cm taller than you leh.. :p

ok. this current owner of c2201 who i always called adik, has actually quite a lot of similarity with me. an mirror image of me? lol. appear to be a bit senget but actually is straight. hahaha.. don’t worry. am straight.

when minimiao met kicimiao

another long waited moment, taking photo with you, Prof Shahrir, in robe. it’s so nice to have you with us for the convo. our convo is meant to be yours as well. thank you so much for all the efforts, sweats, hard work, dedication, guidance and care. a lecturer, a teacher, a physician, a father, a friend and a listener who i always kacau and his clinic always turns out to be my clinic warga for pain killers. :p really very sorry for that. sometimes i find myself quite disturbing as well. guess won’t have time to kacau you anymore..

anyway, today standing in DECTAR, walking up the stage, received the scroll from the chancellor…surprisingly.. i felt nothing. the most memorable moment for me was, when i bow to my parents and prof shahrir before the end of the session… because of them, then only i can stand on the stage with my robe, receiving the scroll.

thanks for the bears and flowers..

the buddies cup ^^ (the surprise from my buddies)

the parker pen from my big buddy (this is not a surprise from him, this is my own request while he was buying parker for others.. :p)

when i first wrote this letter to myself, frankly speaking i really felt stupid..

but now, after i grad, looking back at this letter which was return to us during convo..  it was like a reminder to me…esp when am tired enough to continue this journey..

i will try my best to keep my promise.

灰色地带

有时,真的觉得自己太执着

怎么就是接受不了灰色地带

了解不代表认同

认同不代表接受

就算接受了又能怎样

******

他妈的,想杀人

忽然间,我宁愿对着蚊子做事, 也不想对着那死鬼假惺惺的跌死你。忽然间,有种坏心肠的想法,不如那跌死你不如就这样跌死去可以吗?他妈的。

吃到多少岁人了不知道病人如果明天可能要去动手术是需要签同意书的、不知道其实GSH的血其实是要多少,而且是去要两个人签名的。血被踢回来了,护士通知她了,还不从拿。她病房里的brannula多得是,可她就是不插。到后来,谁做?我做!老板以为谁做?是她!谁叫她厉害嘴甜厉害擦鞋。没做的事都说全是她做。就连她没做的desloughing都说是她做。她妈的。

他妈的,救命啊!神啊!救救我吧!我不想留在这里跟她过日子!我就快要疯掉了。亏她还可以假惺惺向我问好,‘eh, 你还好吗?你看起来好压力’。他妈的鬼才不压力对着她,如果她做好她的事我就不需要被这些小事气死!

他妈的,跌死你!

她病人的血糖搞到像鬼样还没反应,她就连自己的病人泻肚子泻了几天都不知道….

她妈的。

 

blood