Archive for deep in d Heart
an old post
this post had been delayed and delayed and delayed since many many days ago..
this post is to thank everyone for the birthday wishes especially, my parents, jiawern, bengsiong and binhoo (for the unsurprising surprise), xunquan (who spoilt the unsurprising surprise which planned by someone), xue pin (who purposely came from titiwangsa for the unsurprising surprise), jing fen (for the cheese cake and nearly spoilt someone’s surprise), zhiyi and the gang for the steamboat….
thanks everyone who wishes me at the facebook and phone
thanks to everyone who remember my birthday, remember the birthday but forgot to wish, or wanted to wish me but forgot my birthday..
thanks ya..
as a conclusion for year 2009 birthday = no surprise (or may be i shouldn’t be that smart) lol..
why
为什么这个星期会那么烦？
为什么一些应该告一段落的东西还需要一直永无止境地修改？
为什么有一些人那么喜欢没事找事做？
为什么有些人会那么自私？
为什么有些人脾气那么暴躁？
为什么有些人就不能好好的说话？
为什么有些人说话前就不能先考虑对方的感受？
为什么会那么善忘？
为什么最近总是说过了的话说了又说？
为什么会有不能止痒的loratidine？
为什么会有不能止头痛的止痛药？
为什么几十年不发作一次的头痛偏偏要在这个时候发作？
为什么我的生日是在这个星期日？
为什么我的生日还要我夹在中间烦？
为什么我对今年的生日没有期待的心情？日子还是要这样过，东西还是要这样做，便也还是那样大，地球也不会因为我而停止转动，有什么好特别啦，生日每年都有，人老了。。悲哀。。
为什么三更半夜我还在这里不睡觉？
pathetic
the most pathetic person in the world is someone who work hard but not work smart, with a little return, just like me.
ya.. i know.. shouldn’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. and should think positively.. but sometimes.. sigh..
full of ambitions, sometimes can feel that the targets become nearer and nearer but in reality, i am moving but not progressing. it is so near yet so far. everything is just an illusion. everything is just a mirror image, the opposite. should i believe my own eyes? should i still believe in what i see? should i believe in what i hear??
probably i am too ambitious, towards something which is hardly achieved by me. am i? how long will it takes to bring me there? then one will said ‘why should you care? as long as you reach there’. the most important question is ‘do you able to make it there?’
ya..positive thinking is good but too positive is not good.
and negative thinking is even worse. so please la especially to those who get good results, please stop complaining you didn’t study, you didn’t know how to answer, you sure fail and have to prepare to reseat.. to those genius, stop complaining when you can get a good result without studying a lot.. and STOP saying that i am smarter than you. it irritates me.
damn.. start to have loosening of association and start to mengamuk already.. better stop now.
buddy system..
may be i am not the best or most suitable person to talk about this buddy system but just a bit tersinggung after reading the status and comments of someone from the facebook. may be i am the one who misinterpret it but it did sound that that fellow was berdendam, berkira and ugut the juniors with the attendance list.
i can’t deny that the attendance yesterday was disappointed.. and i think, if there is no merit system.. the attendance will be even more disappointed. ya.. probably the organizers will get mad after seeing the ’second buddy line gathering’ photos which i uploaded to facebook yesterday. our buddy line was complete yesterday, went out for dinner but none of us join the explorace and i am the only one from the line who attended the forum at night.
the organizer really put a lot of efforts in it and i really appreciate it. however, it is not something which you can see the fruitful result you want in one night or by just a few programmes.. it takes time. it doesn’t mean that you should straight away give up and frustrated when you can’t achieve the short term target. and even though without this programmes, the juniors or the seniors can always take their own initiatives to approach each other. it is always a two way relationship, it needs everyone from the line to put in their efforts to maintain the relationship and the spirit has to be planted since first year.. and it only depends on how you view and weigh the thing..
some might think ‘my big buddy din bother me pun and i still can survive, why should i treat my lil buddy nice’.. ‘ala.. everyone of us has our own life’… ’busy la..’ … and the cycle goes on.. those ‘genius’ who think that they no need buddy, only treat their buddies as a tool to borrow notes and books.. attitude again la tu.. luckily my big buddy didn’t treat me like that.. haha.. u know..
ok la.. i think i should stop here.. have been talking too much on this issue already.. nanti ada orang terperasan pula.
sigh.. this should a happy post to blog about the dinner last night.. who knows it ended up like this.. suddenly not get used to me at this moment..to blog something like this..
thankful to have all of you as my buddies..
RIP
may you rest in peace, Ai Hsiang.
other than that, i don’t know what to say.
memories where we spent time together with the gang keep on flashing back in my brain. although it is not many but it is enough to make me cry. after spending some times in hospital and in this field, i really thought i am tough enough to see and go through this. but in reality, i am not. still remember the day when u’re sitting behind me in the class, sitting beside me in the tuition class, the day when we skipped class together with the gang for that stupid hand knitted jalur gemilang, the day we’re having bbq at my house… chuan yit and i still thought of having another bbq with the gang during the raya holidays… T.T
sometimes, i will imagine that what will it be if my friends or my family members collapse in front of me and i fail to resuscitate them. but now… i don’t even dare to think about it.
i know, this is part of our life and we have to go through it. but practically it is definitely not that easy unless you are cold-blooded as someone who left a comment at my facebook status.
and i know, this is not a suitable time for being emo but HOW TO STAY STRONG??
sigh…
today is not my day again.
may be i should say, this is not my year..
where the things like to go wrong.
may be i am not a person who always with luck.
may be i have used up all my luck in my good old days.
may be the things i wish and ask for are just too much.
or may be i should just be thankful and appreciate whatever things i have now and shouldn’t ask for more.
stop giving me false positive hope and result. don’t You think it is enough for me?
may be i shouldn’t expect too much.
may be i shouldn’t care so much.
may be i should just give up the things..
to prevent my mood from being labile and irritable.
please teach me how to control and desensitize myself
the more i suppress, the more i explode
but still i have to suppress myself
the more i hate people, the more i hate myself
but yet still i cannot agree and accept those people
arrrhh…
is that You who make my life miserable?
or i myself who make my own life miserable with every choice i’ve made??
how to get rid of someone
mood swing again~ ok.. don’t blame psy posting this time.
everything went smoothly yesterday until i get a phone call in the cinema while watching angels and demons. i don’t know whose number is that. and that fellow didn’t answer my question even i asked him twice. he thought i was having lecture that time and hang up.
until today, the incident flashed back and i tried to recall that voice. is that him? then i called my mother to ask whether he called my old number. and the answer is, yeah~ he did. he told my mother he is a friend of mine and so my mother told him my new number. gosh! i ignored his msg last time, i ignored his calls, i ignored his msn, i ignored his facebook, i changed my hp number, i informed everyone except him. and my mother told him. *faint* and after double confirm this evening, IT WAS HIM! *faint again*
whose fault is that? definitely not my mother. she didn’t know that fellow is him. and she didn’t know i didn’t inform him about my new number.
my fault?
or his fault??
he just makes my life miserable. can someone please kindly help me to get rid of him?? he is so irritating.. how to get him out of my life?? what else can i do???
- kill him?
- paraquat?
- racun tikus?
- ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)?
- anything that can remove his memory
- …
gosh.. what am i doing now?? planning to kill?
please la.. it is more than a year already. don’t you understand? just let me go ok?
please don’t make me shout at you and hate you more. you know i will.
myo jen
hv no idea why, suddenly think of my cousin sis, myo jen in the middle of the night. may be i shouldn’t stay up too late…
if she is still ok, didn’t get infected by encephalitis 6 years ago, didn’t get misdiagnosed simply as fever 6 years ago, she will be living a normal life like anybody else, go to school like other form 5 students, drawing… she can draw very well. she had a good sense in art. but now, she is bedridden. she manage to open her eyes but i dunno whether she can see me. she able to follow ur singing, speech and prayer but i have no idea whether she can understand. but, i know.. she must be trying very hard to recover.
still remember the time she fell sick. that was the first time i entered ICU. the first time i saw all the family members waiting outside the ICU and prayed for her. the first time i heard the words ‘brain damage’ from a doctor. the first time i saw a coma patient, my cousin in front of me.. the first time i saw her intubated with a lot of tubes, under ecg monitoring… the first time i cried when i tried to talk to her.. i bought a bookmark for her that day. i get the bad news on that day and i don’t have the chance to give her the bookmark until today. even after so many years, i still can’t control my tears when i sat alone with her. but still try to be ok in front of others.
sometimes i really hate myself when i start thinking about the bad things.. will she recover? it is brain damage! the damaged neuron won’t regenerate. already 6 years and she is still having hydrocephalus now but her parents don’t want to try any invasive treatment on her. or i should say not dare to try and scare to lose her again.. then, what are the things we can do now? and currently they are trying on qi gong
sometimes i really regret. i should treat her better. i should love her more. i shouldn’t fight with her so often when i was still a kid.
emo
’suddenly very emo.. shit’ hmm~~ this phrase looks familiar la. someone wrote it in his blog before. never thought that i will use this phrase today.
hv no idea why. may be it is idiopathic or may be it is multifactorial or may be there are too many ‘why’ in my mind for the small small insignificant things.. or get influenced by the depression patient today during workshop (ok.. am start crapping again) so not me today. anyone wanna clerk me??
first blog for the first posting in 4th year. hmm~~ it seems suit with my psy posting.
actually psy is quite interesting. i wanted to study. i really wanted to study but today really unable to concentrate and can’t get anything into my mind. may be am too tired kut. may be i should go to bed now instead of still blogging here.
listening to the same song again and again for the whole day — amazing grace. hmm~ may be should change to yanni, nightingale, adagio in c minor and tribute which have more healing effect. or switch to something upbeat to make myself high. whatever…
‘if you suffer, thank God! — it is a sure sign that you are alive’. ya~ am still alive..
everything will be fine.
