seriously, i am not free

seriously, i am not free. i know currently i am in psychiatry posting and relatively more free than other posting. BUT, it is not as free as you think, third year. i have clinic and sgd until i hv to skip my lunch, teaching, 2-3 ssm meeting per week, case write up, 2 reflective writing, ppd community project (meeting, preparation, visit, slide, presentation), visit to drug addiction center, visit to hospital bahagia ulu kinta, log book, autopsy.. and i havent long case yet!

why cant you take initiative to help me with the things?? i dunno what posting are you in. i know third year also busy. and i know some of you busy gila wanna get signature for the log book, kiasu gila wanna insert the brannula, until insert the brannula to the patients who don’t even need it. please la, izit the correct way you practise? izit right to simply open up a patient’s abdomen and suture it back jz because you need to practise your skill??

and why cant the ppl specify the quantity of the things they needed?? u only let me know you need the PA system yang secukupnya. what do you mean by secukupnya? 50 microphone? 100 speakers?? please la.. if you want me to remove a brain tumor, you got to let me know the detail of the tumor, where is the tumor, tumor size.. or else how do i know to what extend i have to remove it? the whole brain?? stupid gila.

why cant the ppl stop projecting (defense mechanism – projection)?? they are the ppl who are late and slow in doing things but asking me to be earlier. very funny. i already told them last 2 weeks but now that fellow remind me back.

i know you are busy and everyone here is busy but i am not that free as you think too.

arrhh..

arrhhh… seriously, i hate my room now..

it is so messy, don’t feel like living here..

for the whole morning, i clean the bathroom and the toilet but not my room.

i clean the stupid hair stucked at the sink but havent sweep away the hair from my room.

and i wonder which fellow wash her hair at the sink.

and now.. am so tired to tidy and clean my room ad. yiu.. and it is almost 3pm and i havent had my lunch.

don’t mean to hate that fellow, but i really tak syok with her now. i know your house is near hukm. i know you can go back home every weekend. BUT CAN YOU PLEASE WASH THE TOILET BEFORE YOU GO BACK??? this is definitely not a good excuse for you to skip this. i know may be you dont mean to.. just that it is not a good idea to irritate me more when i am labile and irritable..

arr… just temporary stay away from me if you wanna be alive..

sigh…

today is not my day again.

may be i should say, this is not my year..

where the things like to go wrong.

may be i am not a person who always with luck.

may be i have used up all my luck in my good old days.

may be the things i wish and ask for are just too much.

or may be i should just be thankful and appreciate whatever things i have now and shouldn’t ask for more.

stop giving me false positive hope and result. don’t You think it is enough for me?

may be i shouldn’t expect too much.

may be i shouldn’t care so much.

may be i should just give up the things..

to prevent my mood from being labile and irritable.

please teach me how to control and desensitize myself

the more i suppress, the more i explode

but still i have to suppress myself

the more i hate people, the more i hate myself

but yet still i cannot agree and accept those people

arrrhh…

is that You who make my life miserable?

or i myself who make my own life miserable with every choice i’ve made??

birthday present

don’t mistaken.. today is not my birthday

BUT

i got my 23rd birthday present today from my dearie housemates, jw and zy.. yeah yeah.. 

as usual.. dah awal 5 bulan ni. but it still better than last year..

love it at the first sight..

although don’t know what it means

some said it looks like ‘v’, ‘y’, ‘m’, ‘mouse’, ‘cat’…

but for me, the first impression was..’ECG!’ haha.. you might think that i study medicine until ‘qi siao’ ad.. haha.. i jz love it to be the ECG sign.

thank you so much jw and zy

thank you for everything especially have to tahan my grumpiness recently.. feel so sorry and guilty when i got this from both of you just now.

love u..

today’s clinic

have no idea why, today’s clinic full of the talkative patients. they don’t have pressure of speech but still cannot tahan the talkativeness. the patients kept on talking talking talking talking talking talking talking talking non stop. and the winner goes to B, talkative + high volume. even havent reached his turn, he knocked on the door, came in and

B: dr, dah sampai B belum ni? B dah tunggu lama ni. nanti B kena jalan kaki balik ni.

Dr: okok, belum lagi. B tunggu sekejap lagi k..

then the patient, B went out.

after awhile, we can hear from the inside of the clinic..

B: dah sampai B belum ni? B dah tunggu lama ni. nanti B kena jalan kaki balik ni.

then he entered the clinic again

B: dr, dah sampai B belum ni? B dah tunggu lama ni. nanti B kena jalan kaki balik ni.

and so, he successfully cut the q.

then he started his story again about his bowel habit. and when he cant express himself in malay, he turned to us and spoke mandarin with us.

Dr: apa dia cakap? bang sai kah?

B: dulu ah, i guna barang tu ah.. dan masukkan lo..

Dr: kenapa? tak boleh bang sai kah?

B: boleh..

the bang sai was ok but he insisted want the medication for him to bang sai.

then he turned to us and started talking about prostitute..

B: 鸡（妓女）啊，真的有女人去做这种工的，不是说没有你知道吗，在bukit bintang, chow kit..都有你知道吗？ 不是说没有，真的有女人做这种工的.. (he turned to the malay coursemates) itu ayam ah.. memang ada tau.. 真的有的你知道吗，不是说没有，我也找过..呵呵..ala..害羞啦不要说了..malulah.. taknak cakap lagi..

but then the patient still continue 真的有女人去做这种工的，不是说没有你知道吗..

i have no idea how many times the patient had repeated the same things again and again and again with the high volume.. finally come to the prescription of the drugs..

B: dr, berapa macam?

Dr: lima macam.

B: kenapa lima? dulu enam macam

Dr: okok.. (then the dr wrote something on the prescription..)

then finally when the patient stand up and plan to go out,

Dr: itu.. B ada pergi cari perempuan lagi kah?

omg.. i nearly faint.. the doctor switched on the switch again..

B: takde la.. itu ayam ah.. 不是说没有你知道吗.. 真的有女人做这种工的 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

and finally bluehhhhhhh… he finally left the clinic..

the story didn’t end here.

after awhile, he came in with the medication pula

B: dr, kenapa ubat itu tak sama macam? kenapa kurang? B nak baik ni. dr kena bagi ubat yang baik tau baru B boleh baik tau.. dan takde ubat untuk bang sai pun.. B nak baik ni.. dr kena bagi ubat yang bagus…………..

haiz.. again.. he insisted to have the same medication as before..

and if his medication is not good/effective enough, it wont cost more than a thousand ringgit kut..

-_-lll

this is funny..

ok.. this is funny when i received a message ’salam/hello, u are been asked 2 come 2 world health day meeting tonight on 8.30pm at ibnu sina’

and the funniest thing is ‘tahniah! anda telah dipilih untuk menjadi PENGARAH/EXCO TECHNICAL’. OMG! you asked a person who ONLY pernah pindah kerusi when jadi ajk technical last time to become the EXCO? hello??? you better wish me for not spoiling the things la.. lol.. oh no! exco technical, which means MORE pindah-pindah and pasang-pasang thingy. which means MORE MOBIC + PCM for me.. MORE ice on my back.. omg.. have to get more stock from orthopedic during next follow up.

and rupa-rupanye jia wern and i memang hate someone. someone who always tertelan half of the ‘M’ when he speaks malay. macaM mana –> macaN mana. may be he is too hungry kut, jia wern said. haha..

ok la.. wish me won’t break the things before breaking my back la..  haha..

narcissism attack

oh no.. i love this picture so much..

or should i said i love myself so much?? lol..

after seeing this picture, bee ping’s first response was ‘u really like this kind of picture hor’. what to do, i find myself look weird if i didn’t act cool in the picture. and if i act cute, she definitely will laugh her ass off. i think everyone will.. lol..

how to get rid of someone

mood swing again~ ok.. don’t blame psy posting this time.

everything went smoothly yesterday until i get a phone call in the cinema while watching angels and demons. i don’t know whose number is that. and that fellow didn’t answer my question even i asked him twice. he thought i was having lecture that time and hang up. 

until today, the incident flashed back and i tried to recall that voice. is that him? then i called my mother to ask whether he called my old number. and the answer is, yeah~ he did. he told my mother he is a friend of mine and so my mother told him my new number. gosh! i ignored his msg last time, i ignored his calls, i ignored his msn, i ignored his facebook, i changed my hp number, i informed everyone except him. and my mother told him. *faint* and after double confirm this evening, IT WAS HIM! *faint again*

whose fault is that? definitely not my mother. she didn’t know that fellow is him. and she didn’t know i didn’t inform him about my new number. 

my fault?

or his fault??

he just makes my life miserable. can someone please kindly help me to get rid of him?? he is so irritating.. how to get him out of my life?? what else can i do??? 

1. kill him?
2. paraquat?
3. racun tikus?
4. ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)?
5. anything that can remove his memory
6. …

gosh.. what am i doing now?? planning to kill?

please la.. it is more than a year already. don’t you understand? just let me go ok? 

please don’t make me shout at you and hate you more. you know i will.

myo jen

hv no idea why, suddenly think of my cousin sis, myo jen in the middle of the night. may be i shouldn’t stay up too late…

if she is still ok, didn’t get infected by encephalitis 6 years ago, didn’t get misdiagnosed simply as fever 6 years ago, she will be  living a normal life like anybody else, go to school like other form 5 students, drawing… she can draw very well. she had a good sense in art. but now, she is bedridden. she manage to open her eyes but i dunno whether she can see me. she able to follow ur singing, speech and prayer but i have no idea whether she can understand. but, i know.. she must be trying very hard to recover.

still remember the time she fell sick. that was the first time i entered ICU. the first time i saw all the family members waiting outside the ICU and prayed for her.  the first time i heard the words ‘brain damage’ from a doctor. the first time i saw a coma patient, my cousin in front of me.. the first time i saw her intubated with a lot of tubes, under ecg monitoring… the first time i cried when i tried to talk to her.. i bought a bookmark for her that day. i get the bad news on that day and i don’t have the chance to give her the bookmark until today. even after so many years, i still can’t control my tears when i sat alone with her. but still try to be ok in front of others.

sometimes i really hate myself when i start thinking about the bad things.. will she recover? it is brain damage! the damaged neuron won’t regenerate. already 6 years and she is still having hydrocephalus now but her parents don’t want to try any invasive treatment on her. or i should say not dare to try and scare to lose her again.. then, what are the things we can do now? and currently they are trying on qi gong 

sometimes i really regret. i should treat her better. i should love her more. i shouldn’t fight with her so often when i was still a kid.

emo

’suddenly very emo.. shit’  hmm~~ this phrase looks familiar la. someone wrote it in his blog before. never thought that i will use this phrase today.

hv no idea why. may be it is idiopathic or may be it is multifactorial or may be there are too many ‘why’ in my mind for the small small insignificant things.. or get influenced by the depression patient today during workshop (ok.. am start crapping again) so not me today. anyone wanna clerk me?? 

first blog for the first posting in 4th year. hmm~~ it seems suit with my psy posting. 

actually psy is quite interesting. i wanted to study. i really wanted to study but today really unable to concentrate and can’t get anything into my mind. may be am too tired kut. may be i should go to bed now instead of still blogging here.

listening to the same song again and again for the whole day — amazing grace. hmm~ may be should change to yanni, nightingale, adagio in c minor and tribute which have more healing effect. or switch to something upbeat to make myself high. whatever…

‘if you suffer, thank God! — it is a sure sign that you are alive’.    ya~ am still alive.. 

everything will be fine.